Divorce Healing: Embracing Guilt, Letting Go of Shame
You tried your best to make your marriage work, but it did not. Maybe your spouse left you, or perhaps you were the one who filed for divorce. Now, you may be trying to resolve conflicts and forgive your ex. That’s hard work. But what about forgiving yourself?
When a relationship ends, it’s never 100% one person’s fault. And sometimes, there’s no one to blame. Still, a common emotion after divorce is a sense of guilt … maybe even a sense of shame. Guilt can be a healthy factor in our lives. Guilt can motivate us to apologize, learn from our mistakes, and strive to do better next time. When guilt turns the key to self-growth, we should embrace it. But guilt, when left to fester without proper processing, can turn to shame. And shame is downright destructive.
The difference between guilt and shame
The terms “guilt” and “shame” are not the same, even though people sometimes use them interchangeably in conversation. Whereas guilt can be a positive force in your life, shame is a highly negative one.
What is guilt?
Guilt is the state of having committed some kind of breach and knowing you carry the blame for it. You stole the cookie from the cookie jar. You've confessed. And you're accepting the consequences. But guilt is not, by definition, a moral judgment, nor is it a painful emotion that keeps you up at night. (Merriam-Webster backs this up.)
What is shame?
Shame is a painful emotion that keeps you up at night. Often, shame stems from guilt. (Merriam-Webster backs this up, too.) You may be guilty of taking the cookie from the cookie jar, but are you ashamed of your behavior? If you have decided you’re a bad person for taking that cookie, then yes, you are engaging in self-shame.
Letting go of shame
While it’s okay to acknowledge guilt and sit with it for a while, it’s not okay – not good for your health – to remain dance partners with shame. Shame is self-destructive. You can’t stride with confidence into your new life wearing shame’s heavy weight on your shoulders. And yet, a lot of us wrestle with post-divorce shame. So, read on. We’re going to give you good reasons why you must let go of the shame … and tips on how to do it.
Research-based reasons why we must let shame go
Shame attacks our physical and mental health, leaving us weak and less able to deal with whatever life throws our way. Here are a few scientific studies to back that up.
- Shame has been linked to post-traumatic stress disorder. This study explores how shame and PTSD are linked.
- Shame leads to depression, according to this study. In fact, feelings of shame are much more likely to yield feelings of depression than are feelings of guilt.
- Shame causes stress, and stress kills cognition. This study shows that stress reduces the number of neurons firing in your brain and impairs your thinking.
In other words, to wallow in shame is to make yourself vulnerable to the ravages of post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and cognitive decline.
“The shift from shame to guilt is crucial. Shame is a state of self-absorption, while guilt is a response inspired by the hurt you have caused another.” – Esther Perel
Actionable ways to release yourself from shame
You know you need to free yourself of this burden, but how do you do it?
1. Think about why you’re stuck.
Shame is a normal human emotion, advises trauma and addiction recovery coach Kendra McLaughlin . But it’s not who you are. Without judgment, ask yourself why you continue to feel shame after your divorce. Why are you stuck in this emotion? And, as Kendra says, “Remind your inner critic that you are a work in progress and that you’re navigating the best you can.”
2. Speak kindly to yourself.
If you’re stuck in a shame loop, you’re undoubtedly engaging in a lot of negative self-talk. Step back and listen to that nagging voice from a neutral point. Is this the way you’d talk to a friend? No, of course not! So why speak to yourself that way? If you must criticize yourself, make it constructive – and do it gently.
Shame is a difficult emotion, but it doesn’t have to rule your world. Examine your shame, but don’t judge it. Meditate on it. This guided meditation about shame explores the idea that shame is a negative emotion that will pass and that you can learn and grow from it.
4. Engage in self-care.
Self-care can be a lot of things, from scheduling an appointment with a divorce therapist or a life coach to going to bed 15 minutes earlier than usual. Download our worksheet for designing a self-care plan, and commit to nurturing yourself rather than berating yourself.